My Birth Story - Nicole

* Please note. Birth stories and images are always shared with consent from the rightful owner.

Wow, where to start. I should start by saying first and foremost that the purpose of telling my story is to share how incredibly important care, support and birthing without fear is for an expecting mama and her tribe. It is in no way me trying to force my opinion or my birth plan on anyone else and I have absolute respect and admiration for ALL mama’s, no matter how they birth. I am also NOT medically trained, nor do I wish to give medical advice - I only wish to inspire other women to birth the way THEY dream of and to do it without fear.

I would like to start off by briefly mentioning my conception and pregnancy. Chuff and I took 17 months to conceive our baby boy and after being told we would never likely conceive naturally, it came as the most incredible surprise when we fell pregnant naturally the month before we had agreed to start our IVF journey. That’s a moment I’ll never forget, handing Chuff the pregnancy test with two lines on it and telling him that we made a blob of DNA together. His look of disbelief and happiness spreading across his face, before tears sprung to both of our eyes.

I knew from the start of my pregnancy that I wanted to work with my beautiful friend and midwife, Dina. It wasn’t until I told her in one of her facial appointments that I was seriously considering a home birth and asked for her opinion on a company called ‘Mamatoto Midwives’, that her face lit up as she told me that she did not work for the private hospital anymore but in fact worked for Mamatoto. I knew then, that I was going to have a home birth and I knew that I would have the most incredible support with her as my midwife. Chuff and I met the rest of the amazing team at Mamatoto via zoom (this was still in the thick of COVID) and although all of the midwives are absolutely incredible, we felt a huge pull towards Shelley, another extremely passionate and experienced midwife. Shelley then became our 2nd midwife and our ‘tribe’ was coming together. From the first moment we met our private midwifery team, we were listened to, respected and educated. We walked away from our initial meeting knowing that we were in such caring and knowledgable hands. We were given ALL the options of care, ranging from shared care with a hospital of our choice, to private care in a home birth scenario. We did discover that due to our home being over 50minutes from the closest hospital, that it wouldn’t be the safest option to physically birth at home - we knew we would have to find another space where we felt safe to have our baby. We were fully supported in this decision and we knew that we would find an incredible space to guide us into parenthood. Little did I know that this space would actually be at Chuff’s parents home in Kalorama. Not only a home full of love and memories for us both, but the home that Chuff was also born in 33 years ago. My mother in-law, Sue, had had home births with all four of her babies, two of which where born safely into the arms of Mike (Chuffs dad) in the very home that we were now planning on birthing in - it couldn’t be more perfect.

Now it was time to think about our birth team - who we wanted our ‘tribe’ to be. Who would give me strength and who would be there to support Chuff, supporting me. I was and am so blessed to have such a hands on, intuitive and supportive husband. Chuff wanted what I wanted through my entire pregnancy, labour and birth. He listened to ALL the information we were given form our midwifes, he learnt all the techniques and massage patterns, he did his own research on statistics of labour and birth, he was a voice of reason for me, and he was my voice at times when I felt like I couldn’t make a decision on my own. So with my powerhouse midwifes and the strength of my husband, I knew I could birth the way I wanted to - in a home full of love, into the water, without fear, full of trust and knowing that my body knew what to do and that I would work with my baby to bring him in safely into the world.

I had always known that my mum would be there - there was just no way I wanted to give birth without my own mum with me. I don’t know if it’s an ‘only child’ thing, but my mum is so much more to me than ‘just my mum’ and something so profound as giving birth to my first baby, I just had to share that with her.

To complete my tribe I knew I wanted my childhood best friend with me. The words ‘best friends’ don’t actually cut it with Zahn. Sole sister is probably more of the way I would describe our friendship. She calms my soul, nourishes my heart and she inspires me - all the characteristics of someone who would only be a positive addition to my birthing team. I also asked Zahn to take photos and videos of the labour and birth and I knew I could be completely vulnerable with her so that she could capture the raw and intense moments with grace.

There was one more person, who ended up being a catalyst for me in my birth. Someone who I knew would be there at some capacity but I never dreamed of the impact she would make in the moment I needed her most. A lot more on this when I tell my actual labour and birth story.

The reason I share my birthing tribe in this in-depth and meaningful way is because if we had chosen to birth in a hospital, this would have never happened. During COVID in some instances only 1 support person was ‘aloud’ to attend the birth. At the time of Rafy’s birth, Box Hill were ‘allowing’ two support people. Which means only 2 out of 5 of my birthing team would have been able to be with me. I truely feel like my incredible birthing experience would never have been so amazing without each and everyone of my tribe. This proves how intimate, and how unique a home birthing experience can be - you really do choose your path and birth the way YOU want to. I place ‘allow’ in quotation marks because this is a word I have constantly heard around the birthing space - “oh I didn’t know I was allowed to do that” “will they allow you to go that far over?”  - it is a word I would constantly knock back and rebut when my friends, family or medical professionals (not my midwives) used it - you should NEVER be told what YOU are ‘allowed’ to do with YOUR body and YOUR baby - EVER - period.

Fast forward through the following 9 months - I really enjoyed being pregnant, I was super nauseas through the first trimester and couldn’t wait to hit the ‘second T’, being told I would feel so much better by then, which I did. The second T, I watched my body change and was in awe of how I was growing this little human. Scans were super emotional and we had a little scare with babies ventricles being a bit small in one of the scans - a follow up scan 4 weeks later showed that everything was fine, but man o man was it anxiety riddling to think anything could be wrong with this precious being inside my belly. One thing that really stuck out to me during my whole pregnancy was how active he was - he would kick the shit out of me from about 22 weeks onwards, he had the hiccups at least every second day and as he grew he became more and more of a party animal at night, kicking, punching and rolling around. It was beautiful to see him move in response to Chuff’s voice at night and we would talk and sing to him and he would stick his little butt out - some days I swore he would bust right through my skin. The third trimester did drag a bit for me - I had bad pelvic and back pain for weeks and I felt like I was doing a 20 point turn in bed every time I needed to roll over. We did a few trips to Kalorama to set up what would be the most beautiful birthing space. We had a wing of the house with a bedroom, bathroom and a second room dedicated to the birth pool. I set up a beautiful alter with crystals, candles, affirmations, speakers for music and a bed that I could also labour on if I chose to. We had an amazing ‘birth plan meeting’ with our midwives and our birthing team where we discussed everyones roles and how I envisioned everything playing out. Sue and Mike were the most generous and loving hosts and nothing was ever too much trouble - they opened their home and their hearts to my birthing team and it was so humbling to have my favourite people in one room.

We had the most incredible support throughout my pregnancy with our midwives. We would visit their beautiful rooms in Selby every four weeks for a check-in, check over and always a whole heap of information to take in, digest and decide what to do with. It was always about me first, how did I feel, did I have any questions, how was I feeling about being pregnant, emotionally, physically? Then it was of course about baby, how was babies position, movements etc and of course heart beat check-ins - he was always happy. And so was I.

In between these appointments, my primary midwife, Dina, was available 24/7. As part of their fee, these women put themselves one call for their mamas around the clock. Not once did I ever feel like I had a stupid question or that I was bothering them when I would message or call late at night or early in the morning. Our questions were always answered and you could just feel the ‘love’ from the get go. We were always educated and informed, but NEVER pushed towards a certain decision - we were given the information and then WE made the decisions that we felt where best for us and our baby.

Chuff would tell me everyday how beautiful I was, becoming a mama - but I felt heavy and slow and work became hard for me, which was super tough on me as work was my happy place. I ended up pulling the pin at work at about 32 weeks, when I just couldn’t bend over my clients anymore and had to be in a back brace most days. Lucky for me, you can achieve a lot from the warmth of home, on the laptop. I had spent time and emotion putting together my team and training my incredible manager to take over my ‘first baby’ my business and I knew it was in incredible hands. Emotionally, I struggled letting go of being a business woman and really leaning into my growing body, and my new role in life - being a mama to be. Balancing work and rest was super difficult and I had to be reminded constantly to slowwwww down and relax. Meditation and baths became my happy place to calm my mind and tune into my baby. I had said from the start of my pregnancy that I thought he would come early. I really had a gut feeling that at around 38 weeks he would make his appearance……

38 weeks came…. And it went… and kept going and going and going…. The series of events that occurred from 40 weeks is a little bit of a blur - the days rolled into one and the amount of appointments and driving around we did (well I say we, but lets be real, Chuff did ALL the driving in the last few weeks - what a legend) it all sort of become one big ‘when is our baby coming’ event haha! Chuff and I had many breakfasts at our local cafe, every time saying ‘lets go out for breakfast because it’ll be the last time for a while’ and the barista would say ‘oh my gosh you are still pregnant’ and I would reply ‘yes but he will come tonight so its all good’. Little did I know, that we still had weeks ahead of us.

My birth plan was to have an intervention free, drug free, water birth at home. I did so much preparation to prepare my body and mind for this plan. Chuff and I worked together learning massage and breathing techniques to assist in the labour and birth, we did spinning baby techniques everyday, I said daily mantras and read affirmations, I meditated, visualised and wrote down my thoughts and feelings around my birth. I felt ready to take on this transformative task - completely trust my body and my team to carry me to the finish line, without ‘medical intervention’.

This is where, I believe, that levels of care can vary so much. There are so many statistics that are thrown at you - lots of fear tactics and lots of opinions get jammed down your throat I had to really limit my phone use after 40 weeks as I found I was being bombarded by people that cared about me asking/saying ‘has the baby arrived?’ ‘Im worried about you going over’ ‘when are you getting induced?’ ‘What are your midwives policies around induction?’ ‘I would hate for something to happen to you and your baby’ - these were just a few of the questions and statements I received in the weeks leading up to the birth and while these questions and statements came from people who love and care about us, it gave me awful anxiety and made me feel as though I needed to justify our decisions to everyone. So instead of answering, I had to protect myself by not responding, or I would respond saying ‘we are in great hands with our midwives and we will make the right decisions for us and our baby’.

On the night we had to go into Box Hill, I found myself face to face with an obstitrician telling me that I should be induced and have my baby at the hospital. I was 40+5 and I had gone into early labour for the second time at about 8pm. I was having contractions at about 10minutes apart for around 30seconds and this lasted a few hours. Dina had advised that I went to bed and tried to sleep incase things amped up over night. During that day I had felt off, I didn’t have an appetite and felt super nauseous all morning. Then I threw up at about 2pm. I felt better after throwing up, but I still felt yucky. When I jumped into bed that night, the contractions kept going for about 2 hours and then I started experiencing a bit of chest pain and started getting bit anxious. I went down stairs to bounce on my medicine ball but then all of a sudden the contractions just stopped. The chest pain remained and I took my BP which was super high so I messaged Dina. After about an hour of trying to mediate and calm my breathing, we decided that a trip to Box Hill to be monitored was the best plan of attack. So at midnight we packed a bag and drove down to the hospital. The first thing the nurse did was pop on an CTG machine to monitor the baby and then the tests on me started. I did a urine and blood test to check for preeclampsia (I had tested positive at the start of my pregnancy for 1:100 chance of preeclampsia) so they want to rule that out first - came back negative. Next they did an ECG on me (my chest pain was gone by the time we got to the hospital) - came back perfect. My BP had dropped back down to a normal BP by this time. The blood test also showed that everything else they had tested for came back normal - the only abnormality was that I tested higher for infection in the body. The CTG monitoring of baby (which was done for about 2 hours) came back perfect, he was happy and healthy and heart rate was stable the whole time. It was then that the Doctor and Obstirician came in to talk to me about my results. They were concerned that the baby had an infection due to my elevated CRP and suggested a swab to check for a water leak - which I consented to and it came back negative. They always wanted to do an internal exam to check for a leak but considering the swab came back negative I refused the exam. It was at this time that Chuff asked if the infection could be a stomach bug and hence why I had thrown up during the day and had been feeling off. The Ob agreed that it could be that, however she was strongly suggesting that we go forward with an induction and get baby out. Her words were ‘baby doesn’t need to be inside any more. Your risk of stillbirth and/or disability is much higher now and I would suggest you seriously consider induction at this point’. Let me add in here that my birth plan was for an intervention free, drug free, water birth at home. So hearing all of this was a shock and very overwhelming. I felt pressure to make a decision but listened to my gut and declined the induction with the knowing that I would go into Siles (where they performed my scans) the following day for further monitoring and to check that baby was happy and healthy and had plenty of fluid around him. 

The next three days I spent at home relaxing, surrendering, trusting, walking, sleeping, eating wholesale food and doing all the ‘traditional’ methods of bringing on labour. I relaxed and felt so much better. Whatever virus I had in my body had gone and I was feeling so much more at ease after reviewing a beautiful text message from Dina, asking me to surrender and trust myself and my body. Baby was kicking me like crazy as usual and I knew all was well, I just knew I needed to take care of my mind and body. I saw my midwives every other day and had a checkup up at Siles, everything was fine and baby was happy - it was just a waiting game. On the 24th of May (I was 41+4) I had my first session of Induction Acupuncture which was an awesome experience. I was so excited, thinking that this would surely put me into labour, however my baby had a different plan and he wanted to stay inside where it was warm and comfortable. The next two days were hard mentally, we would wake up and look at one another and I would get teary, wondering why our baby didn’t want to come and join us on this side. I really tapped into my bestie over these few days - she just knew what to say. I think being a mama herself and a very wise and intuitive woman, she reminded me that it was okay to feel these rollercoaster emotions, to be okay and then to not be okay. She suggested that I face my fears (which were growing everyday - that I wouldn’t get the birth I wanted. Every day drew closer to a day that we would potentially have to make the difficult decision to be induced) she suggested for me to write them down, to sit with them, to accept them and then to let them go. She reminded me that I had come so far and that I should be proud of my journey so far. I am a super determined woman, some may call it stubborn. Chuff and I had the difficult conversation of what our plan B,C & D was. He held my hand and told me how proud he was of me, of how far I’d come, how dedicated to my dream I was. He said that no matter what he would stand by me and my decision and that we would, no matter what, have our son at the end of this journey - and that it didn’t matter HOW we had him, only that we had him in our arms. And while I came to terms with that possibility, I knew deep down that I was going to get the birth I had dreamed of, planned for and visualised. My midwives also knew that we would need to draw a line in the sand at some point and they were constantly talking to their team about what the safest plan of attack would be for me - constant monitoring and checking in everyday! But they too knew how much this meant to me, and they were going to safety exhaust all options before kindly telling me that my safest option would be a hospital birth. I went in for monitoring again (he was still happy with lots of fluid of course, stubborn little thing) and everyone was super happy with the results. I then had my second acupuncture appointment and a stretch and sweep to help get things moving. I went into early labour again that night, for about 5 hours and my contractions got to 5minutes apart and lasting about 1 minute. I was breathing through them but they hurtttttttt - I eventually drifted off to sleep and when I woke up they had stopped - AGAIN. I was devastated and exhausted.

That Sunday the 29th of May (42+2) my mother in-law invited us over to their place for a roast lunch. My mum had come to stay with us for the weekend (it was so hard for her to hear me having this emotional battle and she wanted to come to support us) so we packed our bags (just in case I went into labour) and headed over for lunch. I had spoken with my bestie that morning and she joked about having a preminition of my waters breaking in nature next to a big log. We joked all the way up to Kalorama that we should stop at every log and hope my waters would break. We had a beautiful lunch and relaxed by the fire place for a few hours, hoping that something would happen and we wouldn’t have to leave. But it became late and it was time to go - so one last toilet visit before we were to leave. As I got up off the toilet I felt a trickle that wasn’t a wee and by the time I had walked out into the lounge to tell everyone about said trickle, another trickle came and it was then that I knew that my waters were breaking. I quickly put on my shoes and grabbed Chuff and we decided to go for a walk to try and get it to break further. We walked up the drive and across the road to the forest and in the distance I saw this huge log. I looked at Chuff and we burst out laughing, and just as we did that I felt a huge gush of liquid and I started running towards the log, just in time to sit on it and let my waters fully break. It was so nice to have a massive belly laugh and to finally feel elated - knowing that this meant things were happening! My waters were clear which was a great sign that there wasn’t meconium (baby poop) in my waters so Dina was happy for us to go to sleep and head in for monitoring the next day. We decided to stay at Kalorama that night, thinking that surely everything would happen that night. The next morning I was pretty deflated when I woke up and nothing had changed.

We had another appointment with Dina and she monitored baby (he was still so happy). But it was time to have the difficult conversation now that I was 42+3 and my waters had broken. You are more susceptible to infection once your waters have broken and everyday the statistics do increase with risk of infection. So as hard as this conversation was, it was necessary. We decided that if our baby hadn’t started his journey by Thursday, that we would take the trip to Box Hill to be induced. We booked in for the following day to have more monitoring at Siles. I decided that I was just going to surrender at this stage - I knew that either way, we would meet our baby by Thursday, and that that moment would be the greatest moment of our lives. I was still hopeful to have my dream birth, but I was also so excited, knowing that I would meet the human I had been growing and carrying for 9.5 months.

That night my mucus plug or ‘bloody show’ came! This gave me a new sense of hope and I was super excited again! I went into labour AGAIN that night - it was more full on then the last 3 times and I truely thought it was go time. Without repeating myself again - Im guessing you can guess what happened! That next morning we hopped in the car, I was absolutely exhausted, we both were. We got to Siles in North Melbourne and after 50 mins of trying being hooked up to the scan, they told us it wasn’t working so we drove over to Williamstown Siles to try again. And of course, everything was still fine, baby was happy - a lot less fluid due to my waters breaking, but he was of course happy as Larry (should have bloody called him Larry). Since these results were still so good and I only had a couple more days to get my baby earthside without intervention, we all went into solution mode - I meet Dina and Shelley at Kew for another stretch and sweep and booked in with another lady in Belgrave for some more induction acupuncture. Being with Shelley and Dina made us both feel so much better - they had every hope and belief that it was still going to happen for me - they were not going to give up and their enthusiasm gave us a renewed sense of hope. From there we headed to Belgrave and on the way I started feeling some ‘niggles’ again. By the time we got to the appointment the niggles had increased slightly and by the time I was laying on her table with the needles in me, I was breathing through contractions. As I walked to the car, I knew this time was different. I opened the car door and said to Chuff ‘its happening’. I just knew it - I knew in my heart that this was the real deal and from that moment we were both determined that this was the moment we had been waiting for. Our baby was coming!!!

Thank goodness one of my beautiful besties Kate, had been in contact with Chuff and was heading to our place to look after our animals. As most of you know, our animals are so so loved and I knew that I would worry about them while I was in labour if they had to be out in the cold Kinglake air. So one of Chuffs many designated jobs was to make sure they were looked after and Kate came to our rescue. Little did she know she would be at our place for three days looking after our pampered pooches. What an absolute legend - it was such a relief to me to know she was there. Not to mention all the food prep she did for us and when we did get home and the house was spotless.

Anyway, I digress…….

The drive back to Kalorama was hard and by the time I walked to through the door I was breathing deeply through the surges and ready to chase every contraction until they were super regular! Now each moment form here was as clear as day to me, however time was not a factor, minutes merged into hours and day turned to night, to day again - I had no concept of time and it wasn’t until our four week post natal check up that Dina and Shelley gave me my birth notes and it enabled me to finish my birth story, knowing I had my ‘facts right’. So it was about 5pm when we got back to Kalorama, after my accupunture session. Chuff and I were both ecstatic and nervous. Our aim was the chase the contractions, to ensure they stayed regular. We put our shoes on and paced the beautiful gardens, the light rain keeping me cool as my body temp raised slightly from the pain of the contractions. We found every step we could and I walked up them sideways, bringing on a contraction every time I did this. We then moved inside and continued walking the stairs and pacing the birth room, bouncing on my medicine ball, breathing deeply through the increasing intensity and duration of the contractions. Before I knew it I had a phone beside my ear as I breathed through the surges and I heard my angel on the other end ‘you are doing so well darling, keep going, Im just going to listen to you while you go through your next 10 contractions’ it was Dina of course, her voice immediately calming me. Little did I know, Chuff was watching me like a hawk, keeping Dina updated on my progress so she would know the right time to come and join us. By 10:30pm Dina had arrived and they immediately started setting up the birth pool. By this point I was completely in my zone - swaying my hips, leaning forward on the cub stool (an inflatable stool that I could lean on, with my knees on the mattress on the floor and my body weight on the stool). I was moaning through the contractions now, becoming more and more vocal as I could feel things starting to change.

I used to always ask people what a contraction felt like - to me it felt like an intense cramp (like the ones you get in your leg in the middle of the night) mixed with the worst period pain you have ever had. You could physically feel your uterus contracting and squeezing, over and over again. I knew things were progressing when Dina quickly got Chuff onto getting the pool set up and she suggested I jump in the shower for some hot water relief on my back. It was at this point that I realised I was shaking, a lot! I knew I was working hard, but I didn’t realise how hard my body was working. Zahn had arrived at this point and her, Chuff and my mum took it in turns pressing my hips, rubbing my back and offering words of support through each contraction. The shower was amazing, the relief it provided was incredible. I took the medicine ball into the shower and leant over it while the water hit my lower back. I think I was in there for about an hour, or maybe more - this was a blur as my contractions began to really take over me. I was already exhausted from being up for days with minimal sleep, and now the physical exhaustion was becoming difficult.

I had requested to not know how many centermeters dilated I was throughout the labour - I really didn’t want a number to define how far along I was or how I was ‘progressing’ and I knew it would influence my decision making.

It was here that I started feeling some pressure in my bottom, the tell tail sign on progression towards the baby moving down. So I got our of the shower and shakily walked back down stairs to my birth room - which, may I add, was so beautiful - it was dark and warm with fairy lights - I had incredible motivational posters that my bestie had made me, in view that I could read over and over again - candles, crystals, music - all my favourite things, helping to guide me along, bringing me back ever so slightly to the current moment - until I would slip back into my zone as the next contraction took hold. All the while, breathing, breathing, breathing deeply through each surge - inhaling and exhaling with purpose to help keep me calm.

By 1:30am I was in the pool and starting to feel a little pushy. I remember closing my eyes for a contraction, opening them and suddenly noticing that Shelley had arrived. I remember smiling and waving at her - her presence giving me an equal sense of calm and elation, knowing that her presence meant that we must be close the the pushing stage.

I would like to add here that baby is monitored regularly when you home birth - Dina or Shelley were checking baby’s heart rate approximately every 15 mintues - I know this because I freakin hated it. Every time the doppler touched my stomach it would bring on another contraction, even if one wasn’t already coming - so every time I saw them coming with it I would roll my eyes and brace for another surge. But baby was always happy, of course - unbeknown to him what his mama was going through.

I spent the next few hours in and out of the pool - really breathing and vocalising now - I could feel my tone changing as the contractions became closer and closer together. I felt like I was having barely anytime in between to catch my breath and ground myself. I started feeling like ‘something wasn’t quite right’ and I wondered why he wasn’t coming down. I remember saying ‘he is being a dick’ as Shelley encouraged me to do another set of spinning babies exercises to get him to move a little and make his way down. It was at 4:30am when I asked ‘what can I do?’ And by this I meant, how the fuck do we move this along because I am spent. Shelley suggest an internal exam to see if she could feel anything to give us a clearer indication of what could be happening. It was at this point Shelleys suspicions were confirmed, little mate had become stuck and was pitching my cervix, causing it to swell and not enabling him to move down. He, of course, was still fine - heart rate was stable. So we made a plan to undergo what would be a grooling 2-3 hours of exercises, arnica and ice insertions (yep up the fanny it was to go) and laying on my side “relaxing” to try to get the swelling to come down so Bub could move and make his way down. When I think back on this part of my labour my emotions over power me. This was so fucking hard. Shelley took me upstairs and I had to do subtle exercises to help move my pelvis - while these exercises had been so simple during my pregnancy, they became the hardest exercises I have ever and no doubt, will ever do, in my life. I had to breathe through contractions in these positions for what felt like forever. Chuff had gone for a lie down at this point, as he too had been up all night supporting me - so it was my besties turn to help support me through the excruciating contractions. I remember repeating ‘its for a short time, not a long time’ over and over in my head as I felt like my body was going to explode. The intensity at this point was extremely overwhelming. I had now been in full blown labour for 12 hours and I knew I was nearing my threshold of pain. We headed back down stairs and I laid down on the mattress as Shelley did another exam. She informed me that the swelling had come down on all sides except one, but this one side was enough to continue to make it hard for babe to come down. So ice and arnica was on the cards and let me tell you, having someones fingers inside you while you contract around them, trying to lay still and breathe through the most incredible pain you have ever felt, is something I don’t think I will ever forget. I could feel tears starting to spring to my eyes and I could feel my strength starting to waiver. I asked Shelley what she suggested we do and her response was that she thought we should persist this same way for another 1-2 hours to see if we could get that last bit of swelling to go down (so long as baby was okay, which he was). We also needed the pain to change from the front to all in the back. At this point I was feeling contractions both in the front and in the back - and when I say the back, I mean it felt like I was going to push my baby out of my bum, the pressure was unlike anything I have ever experienced, I was constantly reaching behind to make sure my bum didn’t explode. It was so so so intense. I asked her ‘what if the swelling doesn’t come down and my pain doesn’t change?” She then told me, we would need to go to hospital for an epidural if things did not change. For me, this was my tipping point. The thought of doing this for another 2 hours ripped my heart out. I could not fathom going through this kind of pain for another 2 hours, only to be told that my dream was gone and I would have to go to hospital - which in my mind I knew would lead to an epidural and most likely a caesarian. I knew I would have to endure a 40 minute car ride to Box Hill, and then wait for to be assessed etc. I couldn’t do it. “I cant do this” I was done. Shelley and Dina both reminded me how incredible I was and how they knew I could do this. They knew I could persist, but I didn’t! My Zahn came in to try to calm me and asure me I could do it, I snapped and told her to get Chuff. When Chuff walked in, I felt his heart break - he looked at me with his loving eyes and asked me what he could do - I said “take me to the hospital and take the pain away” I made him promise me to take our bags and put them in the car. I told him to listen to me and do as I asked even though he knew it was not what I truely wanted - in that moment I would have taken all the intervention to take the pain away. Dina urged me to get back into the pool while they ‘made arrangements’ to go to hospital. Little did I know, they were buying me some time, knowing once I got into the pool that I would feel more comfortable and be able to regain my thoughts. As I got up to get into the pool, blood was trickling down my legs and I had an overwhelming contraction as I leant over the pool. I saw the defeat in Chuffs eyes, he knew I wanted to go and he was so torn. But he beautifully did as I wished and packed our bags.

I got into the pool and continued through my contractions - with each contraction I would feel it more and more in my bottom. Cue little nuggets of poo with each contraction (I was so worried about pooing in the lead up to the birth but at the time I didn’t care and Dina was like a ninja with the sieve). At one point (only for a moment) I was alone in the room. I could hear the music playing, I felt the sensations around me - I was overwhelmed and comfortable at the same time.

The next 20-30minutes were a blur, the contractions were changing, I didnt know how, I just knew they were. Dina was still checking bubs heart rate regularly, all okay. So I kept going, but I was so so incredibly tired. I remember consciously having to make an effort not to let my body slip under the water form exhaustion, Chuff had to hold me up. My mum came in and held my hands out of the pool and I was on my knees for a while, feeling her energy helping me through. I knew it was so hard for her, watching me in so much pain, feeling defeated yet still moving forward. I was so grateful to her in that moment, for being there for me - like she had always been, to hold my hand, to give me strength. How lucky I am to have such an incredible mum.

Sue (Chuff’s mum) had gone to bed early the night before - she wanted to leave us to labour while she slept only rooms away. She said to me ‘she didn’t know what part she would play in the birth’ but I truely believe that she went to bed early with an intuitive knowing that she needed to gather her strength for what she was about to do for me. This moment was profound to me, I’ll never forget it. I remember being held by Chuff, roaring through contractions, using every last ounce of energy I had to push through the intense contractions I was feeling in my bum - still not knowing if I was going to be able to birth my baby without assistance - in this blurred reality. I noticed the door open and as I looked up, Sue came walking into the room - her fresh, rested face was such a beautiful sight. But it was her energy that changed everything. She walked straight over to me, put her hands into the water and grabbed mine and said ‘lets do this darling’ ‘you are doing this’ ‘you are going to brith your baby here’ From the moment I had climbed back into the pool, until that moment, I didn’t think I could do it, but now I knew I could. For the next while she held my hands and took my weight as I screamed through my contractions. I remember hearing her groan with me - I knew she was pulling on the energy she remembers from birthing her own babies. It was years ago that she home birthed my husband in that very same house, but I knew in that moment she could feel what I was feeling, remembering and giving me the strength I needed to push through. I remember saying ‘I feel like he is coming but I know my cervix is still swollen so I don’t think he will come down’ and she replied saying ‘he is coming, you are in transition, your baby is coming, come on you can do this’. It was shortly after this that I felt him move down. I physically felt him move through my cervix. I knew he was coming. I said to Dina ‘I can feel him’ - she instructed me to inset a finger into my vagina with my next contraction. She said I would have to put it in quite far to see if I could feel anything. So next contraction came and I popped my finger in, not even half of my finger went in and I could feel his beautiful head. I COULD FEEL HIS HEAD - He was there - so close! My heart could have quite literally skipped a beat - I screamed out ‘I can feel his head’ - That was it, I knew he was there and I knew I needed him out as soon as physically possible. I bared down!!!!! The water around me would support him out and I knew I needed to push - push from the depths of my soul. I started roaring, roaring through the entire length of my contraction - and with each roar I could feel him moving further and further down. Within minutes his head was starting to push on my opening and I knew that ‘burning ring of fire’ was coming - but I didn’t care! I pushed, hard!!!! The next few pushes I felt his head advance and then move back in, each contraction bringing him further out, stretching me more and more - the water helping to keep my skin soft. The burn is real, its intense and it fucking hurts - but its also the best feeling I have ever felt, knowing that this feeling meant our baby was about to be born. Dina asked if I wanted to catch my baby and of course I said yes. She guided Chuff to come behind me to take my full weight and for me to put my hands down to feel him coming out. One ginormous, life altering push and his perfect head come out and into the water. Only moments of him being between worlds, the rest of his body came out and I lifted this perfect human out of the water. Our baby! The most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life. His perfect little face looking straight at me - I had done it! The hardest and most incredible thing I have and will ever do - I fucking did it!!! I could hear the tears and emotion from Chuff behind me and as I looked up I saw my entire team standing there with me - every single person with tears streaming down their faces. Holly shit I am loved - these people are here from me, for chuff and for our precious baby - Rafael Bela Goldsmith born at 8:59pm 1st of June 2022.

Upon reflection I know without a shadow of a doubt that without my two incredible midwives, I would not have had that experience. I know if it were someone else who held the repsonsilbilty of my birth and our care, that I would have been sent straight to hospital. I know that without Shelleys experience in knowing what to do with my swollen cervix and to move Rafy, that I would more than likely have had an emergency ceasearen. These women are beyond incredible! They gave me the birth of my dreams and I will be forever grateful. The care following the birth was just as amazing as the lead up, which, to me is equally as important, if not more - now it was about Rafy too. Our Rafy.

I am now 5 weeks post partum, as I finish this story - the minutes, days and weeks that followed this life changing event have been the best of my life. Our little angel fills our hearts with so much love, joy and gratitude. The people who I had throughout my pregnancy journey have given me a new meaning of grateful, of appreciation and of love! I am forever changed, now a mama. And I could not be more in awe of myself for my determination, stubbornness and strength. I am so proud of myself for doing this, my way! And to those surrounding me, who shared in my dream, Thank you from the bottom of my heart, for changing me forever!!